It's been over a month since I last posted... maybe almost 2 months now... I don't know, I've lost count. Regardless, it's been awhile. And it's funny, up until the last couple of weeks, I haven't had the urge to write at all. Blogging is like running that way- while you're in the habit of doing it, it's east to keep it up, but as soon as you stop for any length of time, it sure is easy to forget about all together. Like Jack says, it's the law of inertia- objects in motion will stay in motion... objects not in motion... well, you get the idea. Anyways, long story short, there has been no blogging, and I've been a-okay with it.
Last year, I felt like I needed my blog. I needed to write (type) everything that happened to me because it was new, because I wasn't sure how I felt as it was happening, because I didn't want to forget a thing, and most importantly because I needed a release. I was so far out of my comfort zone, experiencing something that I wasn't quite sure how to handle, that I needed to do something to let it all out... enter, my blog. The thing about my blog was that I basically used it as a journal- a very personal journal, that I just so happened to publish on the internet. I wrote it just for myself. It didn't matter to me who read it, if anyone. In fact, in my head, I preferred to believe that no one was reading- it made it easier to just let my thoughts out, even share a few (emphasis on a few) feelings.
Regardless, something changed. When I first started training for Boston this year, I tried to share my experiences, I tried to write things that would matter, things that would mean something to anyone who read them. I started focusing on how I was writing, and what I was writing about, rather than why I was writing it. And that's when it started to become a chore... Sure, there were a few times when I managed to sit down and just let it all out, but those times were few and far between, interrupted by weeks of my trying to write the "perfect" blog post (is there even such a thing?) I lost any and all inspiration for writing- and, like I said in the beginning, once I had stopped blogging for an extended period of time, it was really easy to just keep not blogging.
Well, not anymore- with the marathon only 2 days away, and months of training on machines, successes, setbacks, good runs, bad runs, frustration, sadness, happiness, and good times with the DFMC running crew- I've got a lot of pent up feelings and thoughts, and I'm just going to write- for no one but myself.
This has been one hell of a training season- emphasis on hell. I have spent more hours than I will ever care to actually count on a God-forsaken machine, working myself to the point of exhaustion and dizziness, I have spent months in pain- both running and walking, and I have watched with almost uncontrollable jealousy as new DFMC buddies had the opportunity to experience all the marathon challenge has to offer for the first time- the new friendships, the first long run, the first time climbing up the stairs at Crossroads after a cold run in from Newton- all while I have begrudgingly slaved away at the gym. I spent a good portion of my training season depressed and angry at my body, wondering if I really could pull it together in time to actually run the marathon. Was it worth all of the hard work I was doing? Would it even pay off? Was I torturing myself on a daily basis for nothing? Was I being crazy to think that this was even possible? For over a month, I walked the fine line between dedication and perseverance, and completely losing my mind- never quite sure which side I would eventually lean too far on.
I guess, despite all of the near-mental breakdowns I had, I ended up on the dedication and perseverance side because here I am, more or less injury free, gearing up to run my second Boston Marathon. Funny thing is, even though I've done this before, even though I pretty much know what to expect, even though my injury is mostly gone and hasn't given me trouble in awhile, I am more nervous this year than I ever could have even imagined being last year. My stomach has been full of butterflies since last week, I haven't been able to eat, the knots in my back muscles from stress have formed knots of their own, I have a near constant headache from holding the worried look that seems to be plastered on my face, and to top it all off, I seem to have quite literally worried myself sick... or at the very least my allergies have started kicking in.
I have spent the last two weeks just wishing the marathon would be over. I would have given anything for all of the stress and anxiety and build up be over. And then a couple of days ago, I was talking to a friend who said something to the effect of "I wish the marathon was tomorrow and then we could just get it over with." I surprised myself by thinking in response, "I don't." It occured to me that, as much as there is a part of me that would just like the race part to be over, there is so much to look forward to during Marathon weekend- lunches and dinners with friends, my dad coming into town, the race expo, the buzz around the city, watching the finish area being set up, the T being full of runners in their new marathon jackets, the fresh coat of paint on the finish line, the DFMC pasta party, one more chance to hang out with Kori and her family before the race, the pep talks from Jack- why would I ever want to wish all of that away? All of the sudden, the marathon wasn't something I just wanted to get over with, it was the culmination of a weekend that is filled with wonderful and unforgettable experiences. Finally, what Jack has always said to us- that we should think of the marathon not as the final exam, but as the graduation celebration for months of hard work- made total sense. This weekend- the expo, the pasta party, the friends and family- is all about celebration, and the marathon is merely the final stage of the party (well, the second to final... there is always dancing to be done at Shifter's after crossing the finish line). So, let the celebration begin! I'm putting my nerves aside and I'm going to enjoy every minute of this weekend. After spending the amount of time I did on the Arc Trainer this winter, I think I deserve it.
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