Time to celebrate

It's been over a month since I last posted... maybe almost 2 months now... I don't know, I've lost count. Regardless, it's been awhile. And it's funny, up until the last couple of weeks, I haven't had the urge to write at all. Blogging is like running that way- while you're in the habit of doing it, it's east to keep it up, but as soon as you stop for any length of time, it sure is easy to forget about all together. Like Jack says, it's the law of inertia- objects in motion will stay in motion... objects not in motion... well, you get the idea. Anyways, long story short, there has been no blogging, and I've been a-okay with it.

Last year, I felt like I needed my blog. I needed to write (type) everything that happened to me because it was new, because I wasn't sure how I felt as it was happening, because I didn't want to forget a thing, and most importantly because I needed a release. I was so far out of my comfort zone, experiencing something that I wasn't quite sure how to handle, that I needed to do something to let it all out... enter, my blog. The thing about my blog was that I basically used it as a journal- a very personal journal, that I just so happened to publish on the internet. I wrote it just for myself. It didn't matter to me who read it, if anyone. In fact, in my head, I preferred to believe that no one was reading- it made it easier to just let my thoughts out, even share a few (emphasis on a few) feelings.

Regardless, something changed. When I first started training for Boston this year, I tried to share my experiences, I tried to write things that would matter, things that would mean something to anyone who read them. I started focusing on how I was writing, and what I was writing about, rather than why I was writing it. And that's when it started to become a chore... Sure, there were a few times when I managed to sit down and just let it all out, but those times were few and far between, interrupted by weeks of my trying to write the "perfect" blog post (is there even such a thing?) I lost any and all inspiration for writing- and, like I said in the beginning, once I had stopped blogging for an extended period of time, it was really easy to just keep not blogging.

Well, not anymore- with the marathon only 2 days away, and months of training on machines, successes, setbacks, good runs, bad runs, frustration, sadness, happiness, and good times with the DFMC running crew- I've got a lot of pent up feelings and thoughts, and I'm just going to write- for no one but myself.

This has been one hell of a training season- emphasis on hell. I have spent more hours than I will ever care to actually count on a God-forsaken machine, working myself to the point of exhaustion and dizziness, I have spent months in pain- both running and walking, and I have watched with almost uncontrollable jealousy as new DFMC buddies had the opportunity to experience all the marathon challenge has to offer for the first time- the new friendships, the first long run, the first time climbing up the stairs at Crossroads after a cold run in from Newton- all while I have begrudgingly slaved away at the gym. I spent a good portion of my training season depressed and angry at my body, wondering if I really could pull it together in time to actually run the marathon. Was it worth all of the hard work I was doing? Would it even pay off? Was I torturing myself on a daily basis for nothing? Was I being crazy to think that this was even possible? For over a month, I walked the fine line between dedication and perseverance, and completely losing my mind- never quite sure which side I would eventually lean too far on.

I guess, despite all of the near-mental breakdowns I had, I ended up on the dedication and perseverance side because here I am, more or less injury free, gearing up to run my second Boston Marathon. Funny thing is, even though I've done this before, even though I pretty much know what to expect, even though my injury is mostly gone and hasn't given me trouble in awhile, I am more nervous this year than I ever could have even imagined being last year. My stomach has been full of butterflies since last week, I haven't been able to eat, the knots in my back muscles from stress have formed knots of their own, I have a near constant headache from holding the worried look that seems to be plastered on my face, and to top it all off, I seem to have quite literally worried myself sick... or at the very least my allergies have started kicking in. 

I have spent the last two weeks just wishing the marathon would be over. I would have given anything for all of the stress and anxiety and build up be over. And then a couple of days ago, I was talking to a friend who said something to the effect of "I wish the marathon was tomorrow and then we could just get it over with." I surprised myself by thinking in response, "I don't." It occured to me that, as much as there is a part of me that would just like the race part to be over, there is so much to look forward to during Marathon weekend- lunches and dinners with friends, my dad coming into town, the race expo, the buzz around the city, watching the finish area being set up, the T being full of runners in their new marathon jackets, the fresh coat of paint on the finish line, the DFMC pasta party, one more chance to hang out with Kori and her family before the race, the pep talks from Jack- why would I ever want to wish all of that away? All of the sudden, the marathon wasn't something I just wanted to get over with, it was the culmination of a weekend that is filled with wonderful and unforgettable experiences. Finally, what Jack has always said to us- that we should think of the marathon not as the final exam, but as the graduation celebration for months of hard work- made total sense.  This weekend- the expo, the pasta party, the friends and family- is all about celebration, and the marathon is merely the final stage of the party (well, the second to final... there is always dancing to be done at Shifter's after crossing the finish line).  So, let the celebration begin!  I'm putting my nerves aside and I'm going to enjoy every minute of this weekend.  After spending the amount of time I did on the Arc Trainer this winter, I think I deserve it.

A good week... finally

Lots of exciting things have happened this past week. I'm too lazy to attempt to make some sort of cohesive blog post out of them all, so I think I'll just do this one list style... here it goes:

Exciting thing #1: I finally got my act together and sent out my fundraising letter! (I probably should not be admitting this) I would be lying if I said that the fact that I have been injured didn't play a major role in my lack of motivation to get this done. But I also have to admit that writing this letter for my second year on DFMC was much more difficult than last year. Last year I relied heavily on the "WHOA! Lauren is running a marathon... I'd pay (or rather, donate) to see that!" factor to pique people's interest, make them aware of my cause and bring in donations. This year, me running is old news. But this past weekend, I had an epiphany. Me running a marathon may be old news, but cancer is most certainly not. And with that in mind, I wrote my letter, got my first round of emails out the door, and am well on my way to raising $17,000 (fingers crossed) for cancer research.

Exciting thing #2: I ran! I ran 3 miles, no stopping, outside, and with very minimal hip pain! If you could have seen the smile on my face as I came into the final stretch of the run over the Charlestown Bridge... a 3 mile run has never made me quite so happy.

Exciting thing #3: I walked down the hill the morning after my run with no pain! While this doesn't seem like much, trust me it is. Every morning, whether I'm going to work or going to get coffee on the weekends, I walk down the same hill and feel like a 90 year-old woman hobbling around on my bum hip. There are days when the pain has been so bad that I have to inch down the sidewalk, making what should be a 2 minute walk into upwards of 5. It was to the point where I had forgotten what a normal, pain-free walk downhill even felt like. And then Sunday morning as I prepared to hobble down for my coffee, my hip greeted me with a pleasant surprise... nothing! I felt like a normal person walking down a hill- sad that this is exciting.

Exciting thing #4: On Sunday afternoon, I did my long "run" on the Arc Trainer at my gym. Now, I think I've already made clear my dislike of this machine, but with the marathon fast approaching, I put my hatred aside and spent the next 3 hours rocking out to my ipod, kicking my own butt on the AT, and receiving strange looks from nearly everyone around me. Sure, 3 hours on a machine is a little crazy, but when I'm in training, anything goes. I left the gym feeling a little woozy, a little crazy, and a lot of proud that I managed to stick it out.

And finally, Exciting thing #5: Despite some hard workouts and some running, I have been pretty much pain free for the last 5 days or so. What does this mean? Well, I'm hoping it means I'm on the road to recovery, and more importantly, just on the road in general. I talked to Jack last night at track and he gave me the okay to try and get myself ready to run the New Bedford Half coming up on March 15. Of course, this is all dependent on the fact that my hip continues to feel good, but the prospect of maybe, just maybe, being able to run 13 fishy smelling miles (walking through the water stops of course... see Jack, I did listen!) in 2 and a half weeks has got me feeling positively giddy! (I cannot believe I just admitted that, remember when I hated running?)

Anyways, all in all, it's been a good week, and I'm in good spirits... here's hoping it stays that way. Between New Bedford, fundraising and Boston, I've got a lot of work ahead of me , but I'm ready for it (and so is my hip hopefully). 1 month, 22 days to go...

I'll admit I've sort of fallen off the face of the earth lately. I've been busy dealing (and not very well) with a seemingly endless hip injury that has kept me off the roads for nearly a month now. It's been taking up a lot of my time between thinking about how miserable I am not running, going to physical therapy, and spending countless hours on indoor workout machines. But this past Saturday, while boring myself to death on the elliptical machine as my dear DFMC teammates enjoyed the bliss of a cool, crisp morning long run, I had a sudden realization about training and my state of injury. It is time to make a decision. If I'm going to do this, if I'm going to try and get myself better and try to run this marathon, I had better suck it up, stop wallowing in my body's inadequacies, and work my ass off for the next two months.

Now, this isn't exactly news to me. I knew what it would take to work hard through an injury and still run the marathon. I was so aware of what it would take, in fact, that I have always said that I would probably quit before doing such a thing. Clearly, I underestimated my own stubborness. Despite the fact that I have kept pushing on through my injury though, I honestly cannot say that I have been giving it my all. Physically I may have been pushing myself as much as possible, but I've been putting my body through the motions- my heart just hasn't been in it. Even though I've continued my training on the machines since my hip has become a problem, I have merely been putting in the time and logging the "miles." Sure, the time and the miles are important, but that's only half of the equation for running a marathon- in fact, for me, it's probably more like only 20% of the equation. Being a mental runner whose biggest opponent in running is my own head the vast majority of the time, the physical aspect of running has never really been my problem. That's not to say that I can go out and run any distance, any speed with ease (which is quite obviously not the case, even when I'm healthy) but I have learned that when my head and my heart are in it, my legs are nearly unstoppable.

In the past year I have continually pushed myself past what I thought my body was capable of. From the half marathon in New Bedford, to the marathon in April, to track workouts and races throughout the summer, my heart and my head have carried me faster and longer than I ever thought I could go. Now, in the face of injury, I need to push my heart and my head- to be smart, to not give up, to accept that not everyday and every workout is going to be perfect, to work hard, and most importantly, to believe that I can do this. On good days, it is relatively easy. On good days, I believe that I can train indoors, get my hip flexor to cooperate, and be out there on April 20 lined up to run 26.2 miles with 25,000 other crazy runners, confident that, while I may not have the best race of my life, I will finish. On bad days though, that all seems far fetched and... well, pretty impossible. On bad days, it makes me sick to my stomach to think that I will be sitting on the sidelines and watching as my friends experience that euphoria that only finishing a marathon can create, knowing that nothing but my own body held me back from that same elation. I know that if I have any hope at all of running in April, I have to put thoughts like that out of my head- they only obscure the view of my goal to get better and to run, and right now, my head needs no distraction from the task at hand. I certainly have my work cut out for me over these next two months, and I know that it won't be easy, but I think... no, I know, I'm ready to take on the challenge.

No matter how much work I do, how dedicated I am to physical therapy, how hard I push myself in training, there's still a chance that I may not be able to run in April- but I'll never know what I'm capable of unless I put everything I have into training for the next two months and give it a shot. My body has surprised me countless times before, and with my heart and my head pushing it along, who knows what it will be able to do this time. I certainly will never know unless I try.

Krzyrunner

So remember yesterday when I mentioned the crazy runner inside of me who rears her ugly head in the face of injury and forces me to keep running? Well, she was back with a vengeance last night (probably in response to me bad mouthing her on my blog), and I thought I'd give you a little glimpse into exactly what I'm dealing with here.

Last night after work, I went to the gym with the intention of doing an easy workout on the arc trainer- something to just get my legs moving but hopefully not aggravate my hip further. I went and got changed and came back upstairs to the workout area to find complete and total mayhem all around me (I hate New Year's resolutions for this very reason). Every single machine, even the lone arc trainer, which no one but me ever uses, was occupied. With the exception, of course, of one treadmill. I told myself that I could get on the treadmill, which was conveniently located right next to the arc trainer, and do a gentle jog until the arc trainer freed up. It seemed harmless enough, so I hopped on and started to jog. For the first 20 or so strides, I was in a lot of pain, but as my hip loosened up, I started to feel really good. About half a mile into my jog, I noticed the girl starting to get off of the arc trainer... and that's when it happened. The crazy runner inside of me (we'll call her, Krzyrunner- clever, I know) came out.

Krzyrunner: You can't get off the treadmill now, you've only run half a mile. You should at least finish a full mile to make it worth it.

Me: I don't know. I mean, I just wrote a blog all about taking care of yourself and not running through pain. I should probably stop running...

Krzyrunner: Don't be a baby! Do you feel any pain?? I certainly don't, and we share a body. Come on... one mile never hurt anyone...

Me: Ok, just ONE MILE. I'll just run this mile and then hop on the arc trainer.

So, I kept running. And, of course, someone else got on the arc trainer with about one tenth of a mile to go.

Krzyrunner: (evil cackle) Well, now that you're stuck on the treadmill why don't you at least make a workout of it. No sense in just jogging the whole time.

Me: I don't know, I don't want to mess up my hip anymore than I already have.

Krzyrunner: I don't feel anything wrong with our hip! It feels fine- let's do some mile repeats!

She was right, my hip was feeling remarkably good.

Me: Ok, I'll just do a couple of miles at a faster pace- it won't hurt anything.

So, I did. I ran a second mile, and a third... and a fourth and a fifth. And I felt good, and I felt strong the whole time. But as the mile counter crept up towards 5.5 miles, my arm serendipitously knocked my ipod off the treadmill and it went flying off the belt behind me. I paused the treadmill and jumped off to grab it, only to feel a surge of pain in my hip flexor. Crap.

I grabbed my ipod, and at the urging of Krzyrunner ("only a mile and a half to go and you can consider this a worthwhile workout- don't wimp out now!") I hopped back on the treadmill. After a few painful and creaky steps, I felt my hip warm back up again and the pain melted away. But then, suddenly it occurred to me that this was just not normal (no, not the conversation with a non-existant person in my mind part... the hurting part) and I hit the STOP button. Krzyrunner was screaming at me in my head, but I knew that it would be better for me to just get on the arc trainer (which was finally unoccupied) and finish up my workout there. And I did. And I felt pretty good once I was done.

So, that's what goes on in my head when I'm fighting the urge to run even when I know I'm not supposed to (it's pretty frightening, right?) Obviously, Krzyrunner doesn't have to be all that persuasive to get me to run, because, as much as I hate to admit it, I want to be running. But, I have to keep reminding myself (and Krzyrunner) that I really want to be running in APRIL. And at the rate I'm going, I may not make it that long. So here's hoping Krzy cooperates from now on and I can get this injury cleared up. There's a long road of training ahead, and if I can take care of this now, then there will be plenty of miles that she and I can run together in the future.

Learning the hard way...

I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I was blessed with a relatively easy and painless marathon training season last year. Maybe it was because my body was in complete shock at what I was doing the whole time, or maybe it was shear luck (probably some combination of the two) but either way, training went about as smoothly as one could possibly hope for it to go. This year, on the other hand... well, it's only January and it's already been rough. That being said, what doesn't kill you will make you stronger, right? Well, I'm still kicking (so far anyways) so by the time all is said and done, I'm hoping I'll be approaching superman status.

But, in all seriousness, since I started having issues with my hip (first my adductor, now my hip flexor) I've been bombarded with advice and ideas of how to help get myself better. Some of it I listened to, most of it I didn't... you see, I like to learn things the hard way. But, luckily for you, because I have a tendency to be extremely difficult about following advice I don't like, you can learn from my mistakes. Some of this may seem like common sense to a normal person (probably most of it), I know that. But there's this crazy, stubborn person deep inside of me that takes over in the face of injury and sends me on a path to self-destruction (does this really only happen to just me??). That crazy person tells me to ignore common sense and JUST KEEP RUNNING, it doesn't hurt that bad. And next thing you know, I can barely walk. So anyways,... here are some of the things I've learned the hard way in the past couple of months:

- There is no glory in "playing through the pain"- I mean, it would be one thing if I hurt myself in game 7 of the NBA finals and played through my broken wrist to finish the game with a triple-double and the game winning free throw- but, let's be honest, I: 1) don't play in the NBA, 2) would probably be too much of a baby to play with a broken anything, and 3) am still only in training to run a marathon, not running the actual thing. There's a difference beween running through pain in a race, and running through pain in training- one is finite and geared towards accomplishing a specific goal, the other is just stupid. I've been accused of doing the stupid one... training through pain certainly isn't going to win me any races, all it's going to do (has done) is make me hurt more... which leads me to my next lesson...

- Listen- listen to Jack, listen to Tyler, even listen to your dad when he tells you maybe you should take it easy for a few days. The best way to deal with advice you don't want to hear is not to ignore it- the problem will only get worse. I, of course, figured this out after the problem got worse.

- Go see a doctor, or some sort of professional who can help fix you- you don't win any prizes for self-diagnosis and treatment (or for pretending the problem doesn't exist)- unless you consider pain a prize.

- Have really good friends who will listen to you whine and complain about how badly your body hurts without hating you (at least to your face)- I actually didn't learn this the hard way, I happened to be lucky enough to start out with friends who were willing to listen to me. Whining may not actually fix anything, but it sure does make me feel better.

- If you're hurt, the arc trainer is your friend (and also your arch nemesis)- it's boring, it's hot, it's tedious, oh, and it's boring- but, it helps your body feel like it's running, and stay in running shape, without hurting you more- it's magic.

- When you have a bad/ painful/ frustrating run or workout, shopping usually helps to clear that frustration right on up- unless you go shopping for bathing suits... just trust me on this one.

- Advil = miracle drug.

And finally...

- Eat real food- contrary to what I once thought, this does not mean eat grilled cheese and soup everyday. I've eaten actual real meals most days for the last week or so (like meat, vegetable starch, things I've actually cooked on my own) and what a difference it has made in my energy level... Maybe it's not an injury specific lesson, but a lesson I learned the hard way nonetheless. No wonder doctors and health professionals recommend this...

So there you have it... I'm sure there's more good advice that I've received and completely ignored, but, like I said, I've been bombarded with suggestions, it's hard to keep it all straight. Don't make the same mistake I did and ignore this stuff- a lot of it came straight from Jack and, as you know, In Jack We Trust (unless you're me, then In Jack You Trust after you can barely walk anymore). It may not be fun to take it easy for a couple of weeks when you're injured, but it's even less fun if you pretend everything is fine, keep running, and then you wind up in pain everytime you stand up from your desk... nevermind when you try to run. Trust me, I know... I learned it the hard way.