The BAA Half (I don't have it in me to come up with a witty title)

The BAA Half Marathon was this past Sunday.  It was... umm... not my best race.  On the one hand, it wasn't entirely surprising to me that it was a tough one (I didn't exactly train to run 13 miles).  So, given that, I know I should just be happy that I finished and lived to tell about it.  But the thing that did me in wasn't the distance.  I actually felt pretty okay with the 13 miles.  What kept me from coming even close to beating my last half marathon time was my own stupid legs.  Well, just one of them... the left one, the left thigh to be exact.  It cramped up on every single even marginal incline after about mile 4.  It was a hilly course.  It was not fun.  

In addition to the fact that the whole thing was extremely painful, I can't think of many things that are more frustrating than having your own body sabotage you.  When I ran Falmouth and had a bad race, I, of course, was frustrated with the fact that it didn't go well, but I also felt pretty horrible from the very beginning of the race which allowed me to adjust my goal from running for a time to simply just making it to the finish line.  The thing about the race on Sunday was that I actually felt great.  My body felt good.  My legs felt fresh.  I woke up feeling ready to run.  The weather was cool and crisp.  Everything was lined up for me to have a good day.  And for the first four miles, I did.  And then, somewhere during mile 4 or so, on the slightest of inclines, what seemed to be all of the muscles in my left thigh seized up simultaneously into one big, painful, impossible to ignore knot.  I walked for a few steps, allowed the cramp to release, and continued on my way, a little shaken up, but still feeling ok.  I approached the next hill and started up, and my leg cramped up again.  And that's when I knew it was going to be a long race.  But, unlike at Falmouth, other than my left leg, I still felt remarkably good which made it hard for me to adjust.

So, the race wasn't great.  I was pretty unhappy with myself by the time I finally finished.  Though I hadn't really trained for the distance, I had worked hard all summer to get faster and stronger and when the time came to put all of that hard work to use, my body failed me.  It was the ultimate disappointment.

I've spent the past two days thinking about the race... I've had bad races and bad runs before, but for some reason this one has really stuck with me.  Maybe it's because this is one of the first times that I've had a running goal that was ambitious, but I also felt like was really within my reach.  I know I could have beaten my previous half marathon time.  I just know that I had that in me.  I felt like I have gotten to be a better runner over this summer and I think that I wanted the half marathon to be my proof of that.  And while I know somewhere inside me that's it's only one race, and bad races happen, and one bad race doesn't negate all of the work that I've done to improve my running, in the aftermath of a disappointing race, it's been hard to convince myself that that's all true.

Needless to say, I'm a bit disenchanted with running right now.  Maybe I should take a break from it.  In fact, that was my original plan.  Once the half was over I was going to find something other than running to do for a bit, give my legs a rest for a few weeks, give myself a chance to miss running so maybe it wouldn't seem like such a chore.  It seemed like a great idea... well, until the half was actually over and I was faced with the reality that I had just imposed a break on myself from the thing that has enhanced my life in more ways than I can even count.  I had finally accepted the fact that I have, indeed, become a runner... if I'm not running, what am I going to do?? 

That being said, I do think I owe my legs a break, which I will give them.  My leg muscle cramping I'm sure was a cry for rest from my overworked legs.  But, aside from that little break, I'm going to keep running... not for speed or miles or time or any goal, but just for fun, to clear my head, to get outside and enjoy the fall in Boston- the reasons I used to go for a run, and why I started to enjoy doing it in the first place.  I think once running is fun for me again, I'll be able to get back into training and trying to improve again.  I do know that I've become a better runner already, and I know that the half marathon this weekend is not the be all and end all indicator of how far I've come (or not come) as a runner.  

If anything, the half actually has shown me how far I've come as a person.  A year ago, I, first of all, would not have dreamed of running 13 miles, but, more importantly, I would have mercilessly punished myself for the race that I ran on Sunday- mentally and physically.  Yes, I'm disappointed in my race, and yes, I've thought a lot about it the past couple of days, but the difference is I haven't been analyzing what went wrong during the race in order to punish myself, I have been thinking about my race in order to figure out how I can use it to be better- and not just better at running, but better at handling my disappointment and turning it into something positive.  That is something that my former, non-running self would have never even considered.

So, in the end, no, the BAA Half was not all that I dreamed that it would be, it was not the race I had wanted to run, and I certainly would not want to relive it.  But, despite my initial feelings of disappointment in my run, I'm not disappointed in myself.  I had a hard run but I finished the race.  I have tried to get everything positive out of the experience that I can (and written the longest blog entry ever in the process... sorry) and now I'm moving on.  Marathon training isn't too far off...